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my stylish heart

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After nearly 5 years.... [May. 18th, 2012|04:33 pm]
my stylish heart
[Current Mood |optimisticoptimistic]

I think my girlfriend's mother might have actually given up on her turning straight.

Despite her ultra-religious tendencies, she's always liked me, although always making it clear that she wished I was a guy. Or that she wished I wasn't so nice/cool so that her daughter could meet a nice guy. Which is a weird thing to have to respond to... Um. Sorry I make your daughter happy and treat her well?

But I think last night we actually had a breakthrough. At one point she actually referred to us as a "cute couple" and later, reprimanded her son for saying the word 'faggot'... something that she has never done before (and never mind that she also used the word that night). But it was... interesting... to say the least.

Baby steps.
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gen y non-winner. [Nov. 16th, 2011|06:38 am]
my stylish heart
[Current Music |gnossiennes no. 4::erik satie]

there was this episode of the short lived tv series Wonderfalls where the main character, jaye tyler, finds out this girl is writing an article on her. at first, she thinks, "awesome! i'm important!" until she realizes the title is "gen y non-winner" and her best friend gives her my personal favorite pep talk, "you're not a loser! you're just a winner... who hasn't won yet... or ever."

i really feel like a gen y non-winner. and like jaye tyler, i'm just... oddly okay with it. i make more than enough money at my crappy job, knowing well enough that when my looks go.. pffft! so goes the cashflow. i love that i only have to work four days a week, the rest of the time spent writing and playing video games and drawing and meditating and reading and doing WHATEVERTHEFUCKIWANT.

i've got this thought of the eventual "back to school" plan that lives somewhere far off in THEFUTURE (not to be confused with THENOW or the ANYTIMESOON)

and i guess what i'm trying to say here is... i'm just gonna coast. plannings for winners.
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but everything here is telling me i should be fine. [Apr. 12th, 2011|05:07 am]
my stylish heart
[Current Mood |melancholymelancholy]

nothing is ever so terrifying as the silence. the words you don't seem to say in the space. sometimes i just feel like i'm waiting hours for an answer. watching a picture show for any sign of a crack. and then you tell me that i'm crazy because i'm always waiting for this thing to break. and maybe i am. because the truth is, if i ever really saw it... i don't know what i would do.

i think i just don't know how to let things be okay. i wonder how many years it takes before the looming threat of impending doom subsides.


Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like
I'm up against a wall
But maybe it's a false alarm
Every answer sounds the same
Just colors bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me

Now the curtain's coming up
The audience is still
I'm struggling to cater for
The space I'm meant to fill
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the heart sutra [Jan. 6th, 2011|04:54 pm]
my stylish heart
all things are emptyCollapse )
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sleepless nights. [Sep. 20th, 2010|12:13 am]
my stylish heart
[Current Mood |happyhappy]

what's up with you body? can't i get a full nights sleep? i mean, sure, i feel pretty awesome now... but i'm pretty sure i won't halfway through my 8.5 hour work shift tomorrow. *shakes fist*

today is mine and lia's 3 year anniversary. rah rah rah.

i'm pretty psyched, really. never made it this long with a girl before. i feel pretty happy and secure about things, mostly.

she's pretty much my most favoritest person ever and i love her to pieces. looking forward to a fantastic dinner tomorrow.

hm, i feel like i should buy her something... but WHAT?

i'm not going to edit this, just wanted to say that i used the word "pretty" 5 times. geeeze someone get me a thesaurus.
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(no subject) [Aug. 11th, 2010|06:29 am]
my stylish heart
lately i have been having trouble posting anything on facebook/lj/whatever...

i see ignorance, and i find no matter what i wish to say, it sounds really conceited and contemptuous. my intent is always on giving helpful suggestions and sometimes pointing out erroneous views...

but then i think, what do i think when people do this to me?

mostly, i think they are being conceited and contemptuous, haha.

it has occurred to me as of late that when someone is complaining, they don't want someone to offer them a solution or a probable cause or any sort of helpful suggestion... they just want them to join in their bitching... even if it seems so obvious to others how they are the cause of their own suffering.

sigh. sometimes i'm not even sure why i bother. people will just find and see what they want to.
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tonight, i remembered my purpose. [Apr. 13th, 2010|05:47 am]
my stylish heart
[Current Mood |nostalgicnostalgic]

i think it's very silly, but i just watched a fantastic romance movie i had never seen before. it made me think of the past and present, and all of those things in between.

but most of all, it reminded me why i'm doing what i'm doing.

i wonder how it is for everyone else. we are all only privy to what happens within our own skin. but for me, my only purpose has ever been love. no other feeling compares.

as far as i can remember, the only thing i ever prayed to god for was to send me someone to love me. as a child, i did imagine it would be a man. i wondered about my future, but the one thing i longed for was that undying passionate love.

as i grew older, i felt disappointment after disappointment. i had so many boyfriends, but none of them ever interested me in the least. i felt i could change them like i changed my shoes. i think we all know that at some point i started to realize i had feelings for women. and so emily came along. even now, to think back, brings a smile to my face. i was so young and so stupid. like the small child who loves their canary too much, i held on until i squeezed the last breath out of her. i was afraid if she left, i might never feel this way again. at the time, i thought what we had found could only ever exist between us. but she had different plans in mind for herself. what i didn't know then was that it really was all for the best. she now has two small beautiful children and i can honestly say, i couldn't be happier for her. you see, that was all she ever hoped for in life.

by the time i met laura, i had come to terms with my lesbianism. i dated quite a bit, but had never found something worth sticking around for. thinking of our relationship, i can only picture sisyphus. whatever progress i thought i made, it would only slide back down in my face the next day. the fight kept me engaged, but eventually the wheels just stop turning. they ground down to a screeching halt and it was all over before i knew it.

in lia, i have found the answer to my prayers. i think, i don't believe in love at first sight, but had you asked me the first night i met her and i might have told you differently. we both said we enjoyed eachother's company too much to try and sully it with a relationship. but i've never met someone before where the more you get to know them, the more you like them. for months i felt this way. i couldn't believe such a cool interesting person could exist. the tension could only last so long before, with one simple gesture, the facade fell away. it didn't matter to me that my friends were still in the car, lol, or even when we had arrived at my apartment. it was as if all that existed in the world was me and her. i had never felt that way before, such an uncontrollable longing. my friends still tease me about it, but i don't regret it. i still think she's the coolest person i've ever met.

i think that everyone gets one great love in their life. and for me, i know this is it. if things were to not work out between us, i wouldn't pursue this again. love can be wonderful and horrible at the same time. our experience has truly fulfilled my wish for my life. i feel as though she is my muse. it's proof to me that all of my silly fantasies aren't actually silly at all, these things truly do happen. romance movies, novels, comics...they can all seem quite stupid, really. but the inspiration is very real.

love is the most beautiful emotion in the world. my hope is that someday i can accurately capture that in comic form. i won't stop working until i accomplish that goal.

it's odd, but i do wonder if it's the same for straight people. i have never been able to feel this way about a man. i imagine it's the same, but the notion just seems so funny to me. i have to laugh when guys tell me it's impossible for me to know i'm gay because i've never been with a man. sex is just one of the things on a long list of what i adore about women. i would never give those things up. but on the topic of sex, i hope i'm a lesbian in my next life too because sex is just so damn fun! actually, i hope everyone gets a chance to become a lesbian in their next life so they'll know what they're missing out on. it isn't a wonder to me why every bi girl i've ever asked says they prefer sex with women. even lady gaga fantasizes about women while she has sex with boys, haha. although, it's not surprising to me that they always end up with men either haha. but that is another topic altogether.

i'm, not surprisingly, a little drunk at the moment... but the entire point of this entry was just... an ode to love. had i been born in another place or time, it's possible i may have never experienced what i have. i feel very fortunate. it's so sad to me that many people never find this, not even once, in their lives. if i had one wish, it would be that everyone could have one great love. gay, straight, trans, whatever.
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all i've ever wanted. [Mar. 13th, 2010|10:56 pm]
my stylish heart
[Current Mood |sadhorrible]
[Current Music |::cat power::]

i've never wanted so badly to take back something i've said. i think i really messed up.

i'm starting to wonder if maybe i just can't make her happy.

i used to look at her, in an abusive relationship of the worst kind. and i just thought, she's so wonderful... she deserves so much better. i'd give anything for the chance to treat her like she should be treated. i'd give anything to make her happy. i could make her happy.

and, i don't know, i guess i just fail.

some things can't be unsaid.

once i wanted to be the greatest
no wind or waterfall could stall me
and then came the rush of the flood
the stars at night turned deep to dust
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and i wonder...if everything could ever feel this real forever. [Mar. 9th, 2010|10:55 pm]
my stylish heart
[Current Mood |rejuvenatedrejuvenated]
[Current Music |::i've just seen a face:the beatles::]

today, was an extraordinary day.

the snow and the ice has almost completely melted. there were sunny skies and cool breezes. i came home after work and opened my windows. read manga over fresh brewed coffee. a fresh breeze wafted over my desk and i didn't even mind the sound from the auto shop across the street.

i meant to get some work done on the next page (yes, i really am working on it) but ended up falling in love with a new (to me) manga called Manga no Tsukurikata.

i must say, falling in love with new characters has gotten me out of my slump.

then, as i'm finishing up the last few chapters, lia calls and asks if i wanted her to pick up dinner. she's so thoughtful. when i'm not feeling selfish, i'm feeling extremely lucky.

if we hadn't met, i don't know that i would have any inspiration to draw girls' love manga. she kinda taught me that all of those stupid romances don't have to be so far fetched. stuff like that really does happen. Manga no Tsukurikata is about two female mangaka's that have a relationship of a sort (it's complicated). but what struck me is a part where one of them goes on the internet and sees what people are saying about her manga and is totally devastated. she vows to never draw manga again and the other girl tells her that she likes her manga and that's all that matters. that she can make her manga just for her. and i think, even if just lia believes in me, that's okay.

lately i've been listening to lia's rubber soul album a lot. it's probably in my top 3 beatles albums of all time. i just wish her record player had better speakers.

i've just seen a face,
i can't forget the time or place where we just met,
she's just the girl for me
and i want all the world to see we've met
mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm

had it been another day
i might have looked the other way
and i'd have never been aware
and as it is, i dream of her tonight
la, di, di, da di di

falling, yes i am falling
and she keeps calling me back again

i have never known
the likes of this, i've been alone
and i have missed things and kept out of sight
but other girls were never quite like this
mmm-mmm-mmm-m'mmm-mmm
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YES! [Mar. 7th, 2010|12:30 pm]
my stylish heart
4 non-blondes: "what's up" is like, omg my life. haha. this song came on the radio yesterday on the way to work. it's funny when you've been singing along with a song for years and suddenly realize what it means. i can relate 4 non blondes, i can relate.

i'm in a better mood than the other day, heh. i had to ditch extra hours at work and morning bottomless mimosas with my bff, but i'm going to get at LEAST one page done today. i wanted to go, but i must say that bottomless mimosas is not going to have a very good effect on this page getting inked.

feeling more confident about life in general! excellent playlist inspired by a VHI top 100's list... yes, i am ready. FIST PUMPS!

Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Ooh, ooh ooh
And I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
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