| you know what's bullshit? |
[Jun. 18th, 2009|05:26 am] |
this whole gay marriage thing. it's so much bullshit.
the more and more i think about it... the angrier i get.
when my gf and i have kids, i'm going to have to be like the godparent or something because i won't be able to actually adopt with her and in the event of a tragedy, i wouldn't want our kids to go into the system.
if my gf dies, i better hope that she willed everything important to me so that it doesn't just go to her "next of kin".
hello, benefits?
it's got me so bummed out it's totally ruining the excitement i should feel about lia proposing to me.
well, almost anyway. :)
i just feel bummed and like a second rate citizen. i'm excited about being engaged, but i'll never receive the respect that heterosexuals do. ever.
omg there is a huge spider over my head. fuck this entry. i'm out. |
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| the world is a vampire. |
[May. 27th, 2009|12:17 pm] |
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| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ::yeah yeah yeahs:: | ] |
still alive... still kickin.
mostly drinking a lot. it's really hitting my wallet hard. it never seems like a big deal at the time though, haha. but that's alright. the red wings are hopefully going to make it to the stanley cup and that means money money money. it's just so hard not to drink when it's so fucking nice out lately and you work in a place that has an awesome patio.
gitima left for india a week ago or so. she really wants me to visit and i really really would love to. saving up though, that's the problem... i miss her :(
speaking of long trips, in a few weeks lia and i are taking a road trip to texas with my mother. haha. should be fun. 20 hours driving non-stop.
seeing as i've seen nearly every lesbian movie under the sun, but can never remember that i've seen them until 5 mins into it and i'm like, "..waaaaaiiit..." lia and i have decided to make a lesbian movie blog where we critique movies. yeah yeah, i know that there's already a few of those...but oh well. there's just so many god awful lesbian movies and it's hard to find a good site that actually does a decent job of saying "listen, this movie blows... she goes back to dick after a brief encounter with vagina." and that's what i'd like to do. haha. i'm sick of movies that say there's sexual tension when i can't simply find it for the life of me.
watched a really awesome lesbian movie the other day called Therese and Isabelle. made in 1968, we thought it would be tame... ooooh no. probably the dirtiest movie i've EVER seen. the film itself wasn't exactly so dirty, but the commentary on the sex scenes was hilarious/super smutty. but, like all lesbian movies from that time period, it doesn't end well. i really really wish i could read the novel, but apparently, it's only available in french. bummer. anyhoo, if you have a netflix account, it's worth an instant play.
i've also determined that i will get a tattoo on my back inspired by the scene in i'm a cyborg, but that's ok where park II draws a door on young goon's back trying to convince her he's putting a machine in her back to transform rice into electric energy. i have my reasons.
also worth mentioning, this birthday i almost exclusively received books. lia got me the i'm a cyborg, but that's ok dvd and my aunt bought me a bell for my altar, but other than that... i received a copy of the lotus sutra translation, a copy of the writings of nichiren daishonin, and commentary on ch. 2-10 of the lotus sutra. i'm excited because this means i no longer have to read this stuff online... good times.
oh, and about that prop 8 shit, wtf california? oh well. i am more than confident that some day we will get ours. it's the natural order of things. living in a college town you naturally see that the majority of educated people are more liberal and most no longer feel the need to restrict marriage for same sex couples. unfortunately, not everyone in america is educated, heh. and fyi, not that i think anyone on my flist would, but if you try pulling that, "oh it's a religious choice blah blah it's my right to hate you blah blah" bullshit, you can just kiss my ass because it stops being a "religious choice" when you start limiting my freedoms.
...whew.
oh well, hope everyone's doing alright. life is pretty great, you know? |
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| my life is amazing. and so is my girlfriend. |
[May. 4th, 2009|06:42 am] |
my boss is difficult and after getting reamed for something that had nothing to do with me (and everything to do with the fact that there is no communication between managers) i left work and cried for like 10 minutes before i could even start my car.
i went home in a rage and after chilling out and smoking a few cigarettes and discussing it all... somehow lia made me feel better about it all.
at the end of the night when i laid in bed, i almost wanted to cry, i felt so happy with my life. which is silly...i was dreading work and still had gotten yelled at that night... but regardless... i just feel so happy.
sometimes i just feel like the luckiest person in the world. which is silly, because i'm really not... but everything just feels so great. at work everyone tells me i shouldn't be so happy (because i'm pretty sure this is the worst job ever), but i can't help it. i have made incredible strives in my practice and i find it thrilling. don't get me wrong, i was ready to start a small fire or something after that argument with my boss... but with lia's help and reminding myself the philosophy of the ten worlds...eventually it just faded away. i do, however, wish that i held more normal hours so that i could chant more regularly. it'd be nice.
i'm looking forward to moving back to detroit. i hope to have a better space for my gohonzon because it's really irritating when i can't chant when i want to because lia is studying or sleeping or something. but at the same time, i wouldn't want it anywhere else but my room because then other people would disturb me. i don't think anyone is 100% happy with the situation in this house.
i stayed up all night reading buddhist scripture and debating buddhist theories. i'm tired. |
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| you were only waiting for this moment to arise. |
[Apr. 18th, 2009|09:19 pm] |
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| |  content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | somewhere over the rainbow::IZ | ] |
gitima is leaving for india in a few weeks and i'm kinda bummed. her mother has cancer so she's going to be there for her. i feel that things will be okay for her though.
on tuesday i'm meeting with gitima and a new member. she wants me to take her under my wing or something, so to speak. i tell this to lia and she goes, "uh, maybe you should start going to meetings then." haha.
tonight lia and i planned out all of our children's names and the places we will adopt them from. it's going to be sweet. we're going to have a little black boy named trenton michael and her mother will be so angry with me for making her daughter so liberal. silly republicans. then we're going to adopt a chinese girl named prudence lynn. we figure if we have a boy first, he can beat up any boys who try shit with her. it's our plan. i've never dated anyone who really made me think about having kids before... but with lia, all of these things seem like they could actually be possible.
oh, fyi, i finally saw across the universe. (that movie started the child naming game, btw) what an awesome movie. julie taymor is my #2 favorite director of all time. she's so phenomenal. lia and i now own 3/7 of the movies she's directed. quite by accident, actually. according to the guerrilla girls, only 3 women have ever been nominated for best director and none of them have ever won. not even sophia coppola. fucked up.
i was invited to my second threesome by a couple the other night. once again, they aren't even strangers. i swear, i'm getting a little sick of hearing how i should be bisexual... i hear that enough by douche nozzles at work as is.
i'm quite happy as of late, but no one else is, so i feel sort of annoying. i just feel so happy that i sometimes feel i might burst. tonight while i drove to gitima's apartment, there was a gentle rain and a cool breeze and then the disc jockey played "like a rolling stone" and i felt infinite. everyone kept complaining about what a crappy day it was, but i thought it was perfect.
my life isn't all that great so i don't see why i feel like it is. actually, everything is pretty much falling apart for everyone around me, but maybe that's why i feel it's important not to be another casualty. my sister is particularly in a rough spot. trying to figure out if she wants to leave chris and force her daughter to grow up without her father, or try and work it out. my heart really just goes out to her. i've just been searching for some sort of way to help her, but i know she can really only help herself. i'm still quite saddened by it all though. |
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| yay easter |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|06:24 pm] |
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| |  excellent | ] |
so lia finally met the whole family. it went pretty well, i must say. my japanese aunt who almost never drinks, got drunk and turned red. with each glass of wine she'd raise her glass and say "round five! ding!" hahaha. the rest of my family was, well... mostly drunk, like usual. we played games and my little cousins introduced me to left 4 dead on the xbox, which is awesome. road the golf carts around the back acres and climbed trees to smoke in them. it brought me back to my childhood, for sure.
and although all of my family introduces lia as, "chloe's friend lia" it went pretty well. i'm not sure if it's just because they don't want to explain it to the little kids or what, because i'm PRETTY sure most of my older cousins know all about it. i do love my family though. they were all very nice to her and gave her hugs.
my grandma's hip is getting much worse and i told her that she'll have to come to my mother's on my birthday so that i can give her a massage. it makes me sad to see her limping around when we were making such progress when i used to massage her semi-regularly. :(
it was kind of an important step and lia had a good time. she said she wants to spend some time this summer up at my grandma's house and that made me very happy. i'm extremely happy with our relationship and that almost makes me nervous. we're kind of settling into this normal routine and i don't know, i feel like things are good. they aren't fireworks and super exciting anymore, but at the same time...if i come home from work and have to wait an hour for her to get here, i still miss her like hell. every night i lay down next to her and the warmth of her body feels so inexplicably good next to me... that sensation where you just want to reach out and touch someone and hold them, for no real reason at all. it's been like that for what is now getting close to 2 years.
on the ride home we discussed our wedding plans. (mostly just because we're girls, not like we have a date set or anything) we have decided to go with a zombie theme and we are definitely walking down the aisle to thriller. it sounds like an idea we'll back out of, but no. we've had this set for a few months now, actually. we're both so obsessed with zombies, it's going to be awesome. at our reception we're going to have blood splattered table cloths and body parts all over. man, it's going to be so sweet. this is another reason why lia is my soulmate. |
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| vagina wig-0, chloe-1 |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|01:01 am] |
i ended up making it to chicago after all because another one of my managers cared so much that she harassed people until i got my shift covered. booyah.
chicago was fucking awesome. goose island=best beer tour ever.
the plan was that we would meet up at the brewery, drink some beer, do the tour then go to dinner... then have a drink afterwards. all of which was paid for.
what i didn't expect however, was that the guy giving us the tour was pretty much awesome and after all that was done, we went bar hopping and he spent over a hundred at nearly every bar. and there were quite a few... by the last place, i was so sloppy drunk i have no idea how we didn't get kicked out. i played two games of pool and didn't even sink one ball. ahhhhhh... oops.
the brewery itself was phenomenal also, though. matilda is now one of my new favorite beers. i think it rivals new holland's dragons milk for the #1 spot. also awesome, we were hanging out with the son of the guy who started goose island and he pulls out this bottle he had in his trunk. apparently, it was some beer they were working on which was... omg delicious. imagine a beer combined with champagne... er, imagine that idea tasting well, anyways. if it goes to production, i really really hope i can get it out here. i found matilda at big ten and was super excited. the bottle is just as good as the draft :)
not a whole lot else is new. i'm pretty happy lately. lia and i formulated a plan and i'm pretty optimistic. so stay tuned! work is... well, work. i can't complain too much, i guess. outside of my environment, everything's pretty great. i have a lot of faith in myself and a really positive personal image lately. that sounds weird to say, but when you've struggled with depression like i have...you notice things like that. lia and i are doing great and i'm super thankful for that. we've been together like a year and a half now, and things are just...really nice. i've finally found someone who just lets me be me, and that's worth so much. plus, she's like awesome and a great lay. so that helps.
hah, i'm so boring when i'm happy. lol. seriously though, lately i've just been drinking beer, playing video games, hanging out with lia, having drinks with work friends semi-frequently, watching food network with my roommate... and shit, i don't even know what else.
ironically, there's a lot of negative stuff going on right now, but i just can't seem to feel very upset. i don't know if it's apathy or just the fact that i'm really so damn happy with most of my life, it can't really get to me. either way... i just have nothing but good news, what can i say?
( stolen! sex survey. ) |
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| if you're gonna date a rockstar, you'd better get used to falling off the stage, bitch. |
[Feb. 9th, 2009|03:47 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | superstar::sonic youth | ] |
my boss is a vagina wig.
i won a tour of goose island brewery in chicago/free food/free drinks/free hotel by selling the most 312 (their urban wheat ale and arguably their biggest seller). so this is the week and what does she do? forgets to give me the days off and then tells me that it's MY fault because i didn't request off the days and tells me i have to get my shifts covered for thurs/fri if i want to go. what a douche. how can she not remember to give me the days off when it's work sponsored event and she gave everyone else the days off...?
oh well. i should probably take some sort of responsibility for this as it's my new thing that i'm not going to bitch about things that happen to me because there is probably some sort of underlying karma i created.
( as illustrated by this story about mice )
a few days ago i received 5 comment cards from guests in one day. i already get more comment cards than anyone else, but that was a record. my favorite comments?
chloe was unbelievably pleasant.
clone chloe
from people i had never waited on before (fyi, they were straight girls so it's not like they were hitting on me). hilarious. i'm awesome.
gitima and i have started having weekly meetings on sundays since i suck so much at making it to meetings. it's pretty much awesome and i always leave feeling refreshed with a new perspective on life and my problems. not only is she a buddhist, she's going to school for counseling and that pretty much makes her the best person ever to talk to.
she's such a nice person, i should do something for her. make her something.... maybe. today she was discussing how she has always tried so hard to curb her desire to be liked by everyone. she viewed it as seeking acceptance. but recently she realized that while some counselors she knows have a blunt way of speaking to clients, boasting by saying things like "i don't care if they like me or if they come back, but i'm going to tell it like it is", because she cares if people like her or not, she has a more gentle way of speaking to them. i pointed out that for anyone who really doesn't care what other people think of them, there is an inherent arrogance. if you truly respect others (and in buddhism, respect the buddha nature within others), then you will care what they think and respect what they have to say and what they think. obviously, there is a fine line, but that is exactly why we believe in "the middle way". that is, not too much, not too little.
we also discussed the concept of "changing poison into medicine". which basically means turning negative things that happen to us into positive experiences. like, "shitty things happen to me so that i can grow as a person." which sounds dumb, but actually works. there's a lot of things i try not to do to others because i was shit on in a similar way once upon a time. gitima says i should work on channeling my anger into something positive, because i'm going to get angry. it's a fact of life. but sometimes anger can be positive... like using it to catch rapists and fight the man(in a non-violent peaceful way, of course), for example.
i'm sure this isn't interesting for anyone but me, but i don't care. these are my records, bitches.
thought of the moment...
people always tell me i'm awesome and i'm always surprised at it. one waitress that i think is one of the coolest people ever told me that i'm her favorite person and she'll miss me the most when she quits. i always meet people and feel like, "man! i wish i could be more like them!", but i'm not... and people still like me somehow. and yet, i have no friends. probably because i'd rather sit at home listening to music and writing in my lj. hmmmm. |
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| someday you will ache like i ache. |
[Jan. 22nd, 2009|09:55 pm] |
i'm pretty sure i expect too much from everyone.
you know, like cleaning the blood splatter off the wall...
i don't even know what i was expecting from lia but i'm pretty sure it was too much because now i'm depressed and it's probably my fault.
buddha taught that one of the root causes of suffering is attachment. attachment can even refer to a relationship. you expect things not to change, you expect them to be stable, constant... you depend on it. and this life will never be this way. even happiness is fleeting. some days are better than others. some worse. you can't even be attached to happiness or you'll just feel the lack of it when it leaves.
i try so hard to be positive and i do a pretty good job of it. i got a 26 dollar tip on a 41 dollar bill today because...uhh i'm awesome and hilarious. but then i think of my life and how hard i struggle and how far i'm not getting and how much worse everything is becoming and it's just hard not to lose faith.
the other day i chanted before i went to work. i thought it might make my night go better. long story short, i ended up having to work a 14hr day because one girl quit and the other called in sick. i don't even know anymore... is it a sign of my negative karma or just that it doesn't work? i just don't know... maybe shit just happens. i have no idea.
what am i doing this for? there has to be some point... things have to get better... i try so hard... they just have to... don't they?
i think the real answer is that i have to find happiness in the most unfortunate situations because happiness isn't something caused by favorable conditions. the happiness i seek shouldn't be outside of myself. it should be within and it should be unshakable. if not, i'll just find something wrong with every situation (and i do)... the real issue is the unhappiness i have within me. knowing this doesn't really help much though.
it's like how the other night i watched the movie gandhi and i got all inspired to be a better person... then instantly became stumped because while gandhi was this awesome person who liberated india from foreign control through non-violence, i can't for the life of me figure out how to apply that to my situation. how would gandhi deal with having all of his roommates hate him? hmm...
i'm just tired and stressed and depressed and the light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting dimmer and dimmer and i'm beginning to lose hope.
i just want back into your head... |
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| cute girls watch when i eat ether |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|05:40 am] |
would it be too much to ask that maybe you consider the possibility that i have a lot going on in my life right now?
oh right, of course not. that would mean you'd actually have to stop thinking about yourself for a minute.
impossible. i don't give a fuck if you care or not, just leave me alone.
i have this problem right now. i'm really hungry, but too upset to eat. too nervous. too jagged. but if i don't...i'll get twitchy. it'll get hard to breathe. i'll start dropping things. i'll lose control. i think i shouldn't have slammed that red bull at work. i think i should have tried to take better care of myself. i think i should.
i am the girl, you know i lie, i lie and lie
i'm miss world, somebody kill me
kill me pills
no one cares, my friends
my friend...
i'm miss world, watch me break and watch me burn
no one is listening, my friend
now i've made my bed, i'll lie in it
i've made my bed, i'll die in it |
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| happy happy christmas. |
[Dec. 26th, 2008|01:33 am] |
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| |  cheerful | ] |
my sister is home from texas. first time i've seen her in her like, a year. she has a baby now and a boyfriend and 3 little boys (not belonging to her) all bunking down in my mom's house. it's weird. last time i saw her... she was a stripper going on a "trip" to texas and also paying half of the rent. hah. how things change...
the baby is super cute. just can't bring myself to hold her somehow though... mostly afraid i'm going to drop her. she's so little.
my sister's boyfriend is watching planet terror right now. he's pretty cool. i thought i wouldn't like him because of the whole... idk... impregnating my sister and having her stay home and watch his other 3 kids and yadda yadda...but he's actually pretty cool. just has a lot of baggage, i suppose. i just read the women's room again so i was feeling all feminist and man hating, but i don't hate him. so i guess that's cool. we all make our own decisions anyways...
the littlest boy keeps punching me. i don't know what to do about it. kids are weird. i punch him back and he just keeps punching me. does he like me or hate me? i don't get kids. especially little boys.
huh. i think i'm pretty drunk. my family is pretty cool. we drink all day and all night. i've been drinking so much since i've been home. don't think it'll likely stop soon either. too bad i have to go back to work on saturday. :( bummer.
hm, what else...
everyone really liked the gifts i bought them. the family pizza shop was seized by the government because of back taxes :( my cousin, however, is thinking about buying it and revamping it. i really hope she does. so much of my childhood was spent running around on the floors of that kitchen...i'd be sad to see it go.
also, my father is moving to texas. everyone's jumping ship here in michigan because the economy sucks so bad. no one can find a job. weird. i guess i never see him anyway so what's it matter if he's 100 miles or 1000000 miles away? (idk if that's really how far away texas is...it's a lot of 0's i think.) i bought him coffee and smoked salmon. he was pleased. it's still sorta weird to see him sober...but good.
it's been one of the better christmas' i've had lately. |
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| ay-yi-yi. |
[Nov. 23rd, 2008|11:31 pm] |
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| |  indifferent | ] |
i've been staring at this screen for over ten minutes now.
anger... regret... pity... anger... alternating within me.
and yet, there's just nothing to say. the words just will not come. i won't do what you want me to do.
we all do the same things, just in different ways. don't you realize it's all the same? you're not special. you're not exempt. it's just different. it's always the same. own up, or let it go.
me? i throw it all away. just throw it all away... and if i don't? if it's still there in the depth of my soul? well, you'll never find it so it doesn't matter anyways.
the answer to your problem? not everyone is the same. it's a distinct flaw that until you understand it, you'll never be happy.
everyone has their reasons... if you'd only ask.
i'm tired of this game.
something a little less vague... i had a fever at work the other day (i think it's bronchitis, fyi, i can't call in because i don't have insurance and it costs too much to go to the doctor. i get fired for a call in w/o a doctors note)... so anyways, i had a fever and told my boss i didn't want to go outside to the shed to carry in chairs/tables because it was freezing and snowing and i had that horrible chills/splitting headache fever thing going on(and did i mention our uniform involves short shorts?). she said i'm not a team player and i only think about myself and i only take care of my tables and i only ever run my food and she quoted words from my mouth that i never said and then she asked what was wrong with me and if i was depressed and i told her i couldn't do this and ran out of the room crying. she avoided me for the rest of the day.
first of all, she only sees what she wants to see and second of all, i find it slightly humorous that she doesn't have anything directly to yell at me about (because i take care of my shit) so she has to yell at me for not doing other people's shit.
and i realized...i have the worst job ever. there is no way i can ever help this woman or this place. i don't know why i thought i could. |
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| vaginas and the death of deliah. |
[Nov. 17th, 2008|12:11 am] |
let's see, it's 9:30am and i still haven't gone to sleep. mainly, because i was so drunk last night that i slept in until like 6pm today. i didn't even have that much to drink though... probably had more to do with the fact that i got 2 hours of sleep the night before that.
so around midnight, lia and i head out to theio's where we ran into ali. then she studied for an exam she says she'll fail and i studied my buddhist stuff and eventually this lead to us looking at origami vaginas on the internet. around 6am we decided we needed to go home and make origami vaginas. but after 2 failed attempts, we gave up and realized that our vaginas look like crap and now my cat is chewing on them and batting them around the room.
i recently discovered i had an unused block of clay that, i believe, my mom bought me like years ago. after about a week of revival with water, it's ready to go and tonight seemed like the night. i made this awesome vagina ashtray/incense holder. (yes, you read that correctly) lia modeled for me. it's pretty sweet. it's going to be a not-so-surprising birthday present to her.
i wonder if there's a big market for clay stuff with vaginas on it. because i am apparently, really awesome at it. i mean really, who wouldn't want a vagina ashtray? my car died and i have no money for christmas this year, so maybe i'll just make everyone vagina statues... haha. i think it'd be worth it just for the look on their faces.
but life can't be all pizza and blow-jobs(like lia always says), so after i finished my vagina... we realized that one of lia's rats had died and now the other two were eating her. totally sad and disgusting.
R.I.P. deliah <3 you were the best rat and totally our favorite, i'm not gonna lie. sorry i had to throw you in the dumpster, but it's too cold to dig a hole :(
also, i ate a steak and the next day had horrible stomach pain and didn't have a bowel movement for 3 days. :O
buuuut...on the plus side, last saturday was an awesome SGI meeting and totally got me back on track. it's weird, but i always find that i just smile when i'm at meetings. for no reason really. this is the past month as i view it: i stopped chanting because things were sorta shitty... then things got really shitty... then they got worse(and even i could tell it was my fault)... and then my car died... and i cried over the phone to my mom who told me i need to go chant and so i did... and felt much better that night. realized that the solution to my problems were totally within my reach. (which i always knew, but somehow didn't feel happy enough in my life to be the bigger person and respond with compassion vs. anger.) and my car is still dead and i still don't have any leads on a new one...buuuut... i'm slightly happy about it because now i can get a car that i don't have to constantly worry about.
i don't know why i stopped chanting. i don't know why i apparently need it. but i guess it just seems to be true so i don't know why i keep fighting it. i guess i survived so long without it... but at the same time... i was so depressed so much of that time. it's not that happiness didn't exist within me before, it's just that i hope to get to unwavering happiness. or at least try. it's experiences like these that are supposed to deepen your faith. so i guess it's okay.
from indigo, a deeper shade of blue...
R.I.P. duct-tape mobile. i'll miss you and all the bumper stickers you're taking down with you. |
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| you've got to keep thinking you can make it through these waves |
[Oct. 28th, 2008|02:52 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ::joni mitchell:: | ] |
just before our love got lost, you said,
"i am as constant as a northern star"
and i said, constantly in the darkness?
where's that at?
if you want me, i'll be in the bar.
oh but you are in my blood you're my holy wine
oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
oh i could drink a case of you, darling
and i would still be on my feet
oh i'd still be on my feet |
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| realizations as of late. |
[Oct. 7th, 2008|12:31 am] |
i complain a LOT. which doesn't help or fix anything, it just makes me annoying.
my life is a reflection of me. i cannot simply think that everything around me is shit and i have nothing to do with it.
i hate my job very much. it is so stressful and my boss is such a bitch, but i am there for a reason... i have resolved to become the type of person that is happy in hell (aka my sports bar) and encourages others to be so. i want to help my boss because i know she is only so horrible because her life is and she doesn't know what else to do with herself but to make everyone else feel like shit.
yesterday i was a few hours late from a meeting (i didn't really know how long it was going to go on) and my girlfriend thought i was cheating on her with my entire buddhist group or something, hah. *shakes head* she's so silly. she's like the only area of my life that doesn't need improvement :) ironically, i spent a good deal of that time talking to jooyoung (my young women's division leader) about how great lia is and how she inspires me to be a better person. gay, but true.
when chanting i often times just feel like "man...i suck" as i reflect on the way i am, the way i feel, previous actions... but i'm starting to realize that recognizing your inadequacies makes it easier to fix them. jooyoung gave me some very good advice when i was talking about some situations i wish to change, but don't have a clue how to. she told me instead of focusing on changing/helping the other person, to just work on making myself better. that perhaps if i do this, the people in question i am having issues with may stop having issues with me.
so to everyone out there having a hard time and a tough day(week...year...century) i say to you:
take some time to look into your current situation. look at your environment and try to figure out what it is that you are doing to cause it. and if you can't figure it out, take some time to think about what you could personally work on. what are your faults and weaknesses? sometimes when everything sucks, it's because we suck but we can't see it, being that we are the problem. by striving to be a better person, you may be surprised at how the world around you responds. never be distraught at your inadequacies, view them as challenges and goals. the amazing thing about people is that we can change. all we need is the will... the way will show up later.
lia just brought me taco bell. hurrah! today is the best day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2008|08:41 pm] |
No matter how wonderful our dreams, how noble our ideals, or how high our hopes, ultimately we need courage to make them a reality. Without action, it's as if they never existed.
-Daisaku Ikeda
lately i've been drawing a lot and contemplating my life as an artist (or lack thereof). wondering what it would be like if i never stopped believing in myself and diligently training myself to draw all sorts of stuff that i hate to draw because i suck at it and then getting better. because now, i suck. i gave up years and years and years ago and then thought "hey, i want to make a comic!" and so i did... and over the course of that comic, i got MUCH better... but then i gave up... and now i suck. again.
i do realize i am waaaaay better at painting/oil pastel/"real" art... but that's not good enough for me for some reason. i want to draw sexy zombies and punk girls and have interesting plots and shit. wth.
and then... i realized i'm not dead. i'm 23. i feel pretty confident i could be a better artist if i wanted to... because one of my biggest dreams was to be a comic book artist.
but in the long run...i'll probably be much happier as a physical therapist. (hopefully, i will start classes next year) and probably help a lot more people...
but i still really want to make comics. :/
it's a weird time when you realize that the only thing holding you back in your life is... you.
here's a list of my goals for my life so that one day i can look back and realize i've achieved them all:
1. have a happy relationship
2. help people in the health field somehow
3. make comics even if i'm the only one who likes them
4. finish at least one novel (preferably the one i'm writing)
5. help the gay community in some way
6. be happy. |
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| hahaha silly republicans. |
[Aug. 30th, 2008|03:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
do they honestly think that by putting a woman as the VP will distract women so much that they don't even realize that she's about as anti-woman as you can get?
"Women voting for this ticket is just like chickens voting for Colonel Sanders."
love it. |
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| what a fantastic day |
[Aug. 24th, 2008|10:12 pm] |
today i went with my sgi young women's division to detroit for the annual youth festival. fantastic. wonderful.
i received the gohonzon and although i have sometime before the enshrining ceremony (read: whenever the hell the construction workers are done building mine and lia's room in the basement), it's still very exciting and i have this weird optimism that i haven't had in a while. i'm basically an official sgi member now. i feel as though things are already looking up for me, and i don't know why. everyone at the detroit center was so nice and awesome. this organization is really filled with tons of wonderful encouraging people.
i just feel so happy...but i'm not on anything. weird.
we performed a song which was half in japanese and half in english. it was... difficult and fun. considering the fact that everyone in my YWD is foreign (either asian or indian), they decided that i and the 2 japanese members would be the ones who directly had mics. i even had a paragraph to read during the break in the song. normally i would be flipping out with nerves, and although we weren't very prepared... i wasn't very nervous and we did pretty well. members said that the meaning of our song was very touching, which is sweet.
we got 2 new members recently. one is a japanese girl named ayano and another is a korean girl named yejin. ayano got me a fan and a card to celebrate today. her 21st birthday is in a few days and in the card she wrote "let's drink together sometime!!! XD!!!" haha. adorable. jooyoung bought me a book which has daily encouragement from the president of the soka gakkai. i really appreciate them.
i told 3 of the members today that i was gay. 2, because it came up (they asked if i had a boyfriend). and i told jooyoung because i felt like it had come to a point where i should, but the opportunity for it to come up in conversation hadn't happened yet. i have never in my life experienced such a non-response. it was like a breath of fresh air. they were just like "okay". i knew it should be a non-issue, but i didn't know if it would be. i feel very relieved. actually, she told me that the SGI even sponsors a booth at the gay pride in lansing, lol. jooyoung and i had a conversation about homosexuality and the discrimination in america and she said that it sounds like it may be my mission to do something about it. i think i will have to ponder this.
there are a few things i feel very strongly about and homosexuality is definitely one of them. homosexuals are so often cast away by religion and even worse, they form a hatred toward any religion because of that. i feel like this philosophy has already helped me so much, i would like for it to help others. i'll have to ponder this also.
so anyways...things are pretty good. actually, they're fantastic.
now... if i only had a job...
also.... pictures can be found at my myspace |
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| quick post of monumental proportions. |
[Aug. 20th, 2008|05:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
chicago ended up being poop. the only good to come out of it was seeing the SGI-USA.
the people i gave my info to in chicago got it to the people out here and they contacted me ASAP. i've since met a lot of foreign people studying abroad. in my young women's division there is a korean, a japanese girl, a girl from taiwan and an indian(as in, india). it's interesting to hear their perspectives on everything and many of them had the good fortune to be brought up with nichiren buddhism. jooyoung is i believe the leader as she is the one who picks us all up all the time and takes us to the meetings and is really adamant about me becoming a real member, which will be official on the 24th. there's a big youth celebration in detroit that we're going to and i will receive the gohonzon on that day. (the gohonzon is sort of a mandala of a sort in which nichiren described his enlightenment and therefore we use it to focus our chanting and also, having this scroll hanging on your wall definitely encourages you to keep chanting cuz it keeps it in your mind)
all of this sounds kinda weird i think. but, as lia pointed out, all religion probably sounds really weird if you were to explain it to someone who knew nothing about it.
what does appeal to me about nichiren buddhism however, is their emphasis on the person and personal growth. i'm reading the diary of daisaku ikeda at the moment (he was the former leader of the SGI, the one who moved it from japan to a more global outreach) and it's really encouraging. he has done incredible things in his life but at the age of 18, 19, 20 etc. he was just like me. confused. unsure of what path to lead... but he still forged ahead with the belief that he was doing what would ultimately be his mission in life, regardless of the fact that he was sleeping in a tiny studio apartment and barely had enough money for food. it's incredible.
i've been very depressed lately about where to go in life and jooyoung encouraged me to chant about it. chanting is similar to prayer (and often they call it prayer) in that it's sort of like connecting you to the great whatever is out there. i recently received an opportunity to work with my uncle on some big hollywood movie in GR. it sounds like a big deal and a great opportunity...however, it's only a PA position. which is basically what it takes to get started, but idk...is that what i want to do with life? not really... after chanting about it i realized, the only thing that is going to ever make me happy is if i feel fulfilled. i need to do something with my life that affects more than me. massage is definitely an outlet that falls under that title. but not just any massage, i need to find the right location and place and people... that part is still very open. that's the part that i don't know about. but with the encouragement of jooyoung and satako and guitama, i feel as though it's okay and it will eventually work itself out. as jooyoung would say, "it's very mystic" the way that it works.
they believe that by chanting you are increasing your good fortune, which sounds kinda dumb. but i guess i've always believed that. even though i've often had a hard time swallowing that christianity pill, i've always prayed. and it's basically the same thing. but sometimes this really weird thing happens when you meditate/chant and you feel this weird sensation of happiness and connection with something bigger than yourself. it's hard to explain and it's honestly only happened a few times to me, but it's soooo cool and awesome when it does. it's hard not to think "omg, this is so cool!" because when you do...it's gone, lol.
my mom recently showed me a really interesting video online of a woman who was a brain scientist and had a stroke on the left hemisphere. she wrote a book and recorded all of her experiences and talked about how wonderful it was to lose the left side of her brain. she felt great and expansive and felt that she was connected to the entire world and she wanted to weep with joy. even though she was really just hemorrhaging on her left hemisphere, lol. and what it got me thinking was... it sounds exactly like enlightenment. i realized that's what people are always trying to do during meditation. shut down that damn left brain and experience that feeling. and it's so awesome when you can do that, even for a minute. she talked about how great it would be if everyone in the world could experience that and live like that, it would achieve world peace.
buddhism's goal is not to take over the world and save souls like christianity. in fact, many people don't categorize it as a religion and rather call it a philosophy. and that's because it's goal is by changing what is within, it will change what is outside. it's sole point is happiness and it believes that by doing what really makes us happy and figuring out what our mission is in life, it will better the world. because true happiness isn't doing only for yourself, it's doing for others. by really respecting and loving all individuals, it will spread and world peace will be achieved. it's kind of like those commercials where you see one person do a nice thing and then you see the next person do a nice thing and so on so forth it spreads and everyone's happy. only, what if you were like that all the time? but also, the best part is, they also acknowledge that although the buddha nature exists within all of us, so does hell. we can just as easily (or maybe more easily) put ourselves in hell and torture as we can become buddhas and love everyone. and that's okay.
it's an interesting philosophy and i hope to continue it and see where it will lead me. i think no matter what anyone else thinks, the best thing it has done for me is to give me ambition and hope. because without that, i just feel so depressed, like i can't do anything. and i become a self fulfilling prophesy. i feel so fantastic when i chant and study buddhism and i really want to tell everyone about it but i'm worried i'll be like one of those creepy bible thumpers trying to push their religion on everyone. i figure they probably feel the same, in a way. so instead i'll just write about it and hope to become a great person so people will notice and ask me about it so i won't have to. that's what they suggest anyways. i think i read something about how if you really strive to grow as a person and become happy and make your life what you want it to be, other people will ask you about it and you won't have to feel like your pushing it on anyone. that's my goal, anyways.
i still feel off and on quite depressed, but i have this odd glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel now. and that's worth so much to me. i hope that my next entry will be much better. jooyoung once said to me, "you are so capable future generation!" it's kinda funny, but it makes me feel that way. |
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| lj therapy. |
[Jul. 9th, 2008|02:37 am] |
what do you do when you feel so depressed... so discontent... with yourself... and your life.
and it creates unending depression...
and that definitely doesn't help your relationship...
you see all of these negative paths created by your depression. you see the future spiraling downward...
and you feel helpless to fix it...
and you're so fucking sad you can't even cry. just so damn apathetic about everything.
things would be better if you could just cry. just be alone. just run away. just run and run and run... if you weren't a smoker, that is.
i remember last year when i was waiting for days on end for laura to call me. for hours on end. minutes on end. second to second seeming like eternity.
i went for a run... i ran and ran and ran... and then she called and i didn't get the answer i wanted, but at least it was something. sitting on the steps, kicking at leaves on the concrete. i was at a playground and i ran back to my apartment. then i cried for the first time.
i feel like that now. like running because i don't know what else to do. running away from something, running toward something... i don't know. the illusion of movement in my life.
maybe if i ran i'd get some sort of answer... some answer to the eternal question...
what now?
everyone but me has my answer and they tell me so.
and i'm singing now because my tear ducts are too tired
and my mind is disconnected
but my heart is wired
and i make such a good statistic
someone should study me now
somebody's gotta be interested in how i feel
just because i'm here...
and i'm real... |
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| random act of kindness. |
[Jun. 18th, 2008|01:50 pm] |
so yesterday sucked really bad. i felt pretty sick all day and made next to no money and pretty much hated life.
somewhere towards the end i ran into one of our regulars, ted. i had recently wandered into his store not even knowing he owns it. so it turns out he owns a used record/cd/movie/video game store. we chatted for a bit and i asked him if he had sleater-kinney's self titled cd, he said it was out of print and really hard to find and i was like "ah, oh well. it's the only cd i don't have and their my fav band. i'm sure i'll see it someday"
so yesterday, ted and his gf mary came in and he was like "hey chloe, can i get a beer?" and i went and got him one and for my tip...he tosses me that fucking cd!
i am ecstatic. and more than that, that was so fucking nice. i feel like i should spend more money in his shop... heh.
this song your song
is the last song that i'll ever do
for you about me
cuz your games are through
i won't think i won't breathe
i won't close my eyes to dream
i'd starve you right out of me
if i knew what else to eat
you said this would be
the last time you'd hurt me
you said this would be the last time id cry
last time i didn't know
how was i supposed to know
this time i found it
i know how to scream
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