| badass 80's ladies |
[Sep. 28th, 2009|08:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  quixotic | ] |
i just made a new mix, which, if i don't say so myself... is fantastic.
(still have to cut a few out before i put it on cd though, but i'm having trouble)
1. proud mary::tina turner(and ike too, i guess)
2. edge of 17::stevie nicks
3. material girl::madonna
4. express yourself::madonna
5. one way or another::blondie
6. call me::blondie
7. hanging on the telephone::blondie
8. sunday girl::blondie(the mix that is half in french! my fav)
9. joan jett::bad reputation
10. brass in pocket::the pretenders
11. middle of the road::the pretenders
12. don't get me wrong::the pretenders
13. back on the chain gang::the pretenders
14. tattooed love boys::the pretenders
15. beautiful::the go-gos
16. head over heels::the go-gos
17. total eclipse of the heart::nikki french(techno version of bonnie tyler's original)
18. barracuda::heart
19. kids in america::kim wilde
20. fucking in rhythm and sorrow::the sugarcubes(bjork's band in the 80's)
21. conga::gloria estefan(lmfao)
22. hazy shade of winter::the bangles
now i'm thinking i have way too much pretenders... haha.
oh well. the comic is coming along nicely... i've been at it for about 1.5 weeks and i have already gone up over 1000 places on their list. ho ho ho...
Fate's Bitch. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2009|08:02 pm] |
i have determined that this whole jobless thing is my karma. probably for giving lia such a hard time when she was without a job, heh.
i have never ever struggled to find a job. i've always had one easily... generally speaking, the first place i applied would hire me. this is ridiculous, when you think about it. i have lived in so many places and had so many jobs... never once had to worry.
this is a very beneficial experience for me. my pride and my ego are taking a real lashing here, haha. but that too, is a good thing. i never realized how much pride i had about this little fact. i really did look down on people who had trouble getting hired. thinking, if it were me, it wouldn't be a problem.
yes, i earned this a hundred times over. i'll never feel that way again.
on with the next hurdle... i have 6 places mapped out tomorrow. assuming, i can wake up before 5pm. that's be nice. i'm starting to feel like my life is slipping away... one day at a time... drip drop drip drop...
also, only one of these places is for waitressing. and it's a place i would really like to work, unlike everywhere else i've applied. it's an alternative bar with an 80s night and shit. hell yeah. i realized although waitressing pays the bills quite easily, i really hate the job anyways. might as well do something less stressful and horrible for my karma. i read the other day that you create bad karma by being in several occupations which contribute to evil, one of which is waitressing (alcohol). and believe me, i felt that way too. i realize that if i hadn't been there, someone else would be serving the severe alcoholic with an obvious problem... but that doesn't really make it any more right.
yes... perhaps the fact that i've been chanting for a job that would cause me happiness and then continued to apply at local bars to no avail... perhaps these things are related. i can only get a job that causes me happiness if i apply for a job that will... true dat. |
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| so, i have hosting for my comic! |
[Sep. 19th, 2009|08:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
www.drunkduck.com/Fates_Bitch
i only have the chapter one cover page up right now, but i've decided i will update like once a week or something. that should give me enough time to whip out a page, i think.
i am surprised how much better i am getting by just forcing myself to put effort into drawing. i feel like i'm getting a little better with each page i draw, and that makes me happy. so far i have finished the cover page and 2 pages after that. i have inked 1 page that needs dialogue. sketched 2. and i still have a bunch story boarded. i think that's a good enough start to get some stuff up there. plus the entire plot IN MY HEAD. i should really work on getting it down somewhere in case i drink away the thoughts tonight.
and i know 90% of my FL isn't going to read it, so i'm done updating about it haha. |
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| 2 year anniversary.... |
[Sep. 15th, 2009|06:29 pm] |
today is mine and lia's two year. we think. we don't really remember what day we made it official so this is actually just the day we picked, haha. it's hard when you're sleeping with someone months before you actually start dating.... haah.
we're going out for sushi later and i'm psyched. :) there's like 3 sushi places walking distance from us so we're just going to check one of those places out.
and.... this is the last FATE'S BITCH update you'll get from me...
i finally finished the cover page....
( behind the cut )
ehhh i don't want to hear any sort of constructive comments because i'm not changing a damn thing. i'm so sick of working on it that even though i'm not very happy with it, IT'S DONE!
i'm ready to move on with my life...
i'm feeling a little artistically depressed today. wishing i was better... wondering if i'm too old to have this dream... there's so many people out there who are so much better than me, it's hard not to compare. i find myself criticizing their works in an effort to feel better about myself, but that's not really helpful... then i just feel like a bitter bitch, haha.
i think it is true that i'm better at some things though... for example, there are a lot of comics out there with very awesome art... yet they have these really boring storylines that don't make me want to read any more, so i don't. also, my comic is for a very certain niche. it's not like it's another D&D type thing of which there are millions... so i guess i have that going for me.
i haven't drawn in years... why am i surprised? lol... i need to stop being a whiny bitch and just get some fucking work done. and work on hair and clothing. i hate those things... |
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| celebrating a little too early. |
[Sep. 14th, 2009|05:30 am] |
i just finished sketching the cover page for chapter 1 of fate's bitch so i'm having a couple of beers, smoking cigarettes and reading yuri online. i can't do any more work since lia kicked me off my computer so she could write a paper (her's doesn't have an "o" key... really annoying)
really. i have become a little addicted to yuri lately. it's the best porn a girl could ask for! it has love and tension and boobs. ahhh...
thinking about american lesbian comics lately... there's not many on par with what yuri offers. back when i was all in the closet and stuff, lesbian media was my escape. it's really sort of important you know? i attribute my awesome sexual skills to lesbian erotica/yuri!
i mean, not to brag but... :) (i have my reasons)
ahh reading these coming of age stories reminds me of when i was just a little closeted lesbo...
dating a boy who's ex girlfriend i had the most intense crush on. she was in my gym class and her position was right in front of mine and she had the most fantastic butt. she always wore those really tight spandex shorts... mhmm. one time i was at his house and i was looking through photo albums with him and he had a bunch of pictures of her and i was like "boner!" then i thought, "you know, this straight thing really isn't for me..."
teen angst is great, but i really like being a grown up much more... i mean how cool is it when you find a girl that actually lets you touch her boobs and doesn't have a complex about it?
oh, speaking of lesbo stuff... i'm meeting with my ex girlfriend laura sometime in the near future. we're trying to work out a day when me, her, my gf, her gf all have free time... it's proving difficult. i figured it's about time since i haven't seen her in like 2.5 years and no longer hate her. can you say awkward? wish me luck! |
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| it has a title, Fate's Bitch. |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|02:49 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  good | ] |
page one of my new comic. (soon to come!) kind of a character introduction before the actual comic starts. i'm pretty happy with the way it turned out... i have a few other pages finished but it'll still be a while before it's properly on the internet. now working on the cover page for chapter one.
the comic is set in new orleans so i'm trying to do the southern accent thing. heh. difficult to translate with dialogue. i'm currently studying a lot of southern sayings and jargon, but trying not to overload the comic so that it SEEMS like i'm doing this. watching true blood also helps... haha.
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| new icon. |
[Aug. 27th, 2009|05:43 am] |
sending love to pumahmistress before i forget.
no need to write anything because this icon pretty much epitomizes my life lately.
i think that's bad. |
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| to draw, or not to draw? |
[Aug. 9th, 2009|04:56 am] |
i'm really taking this webcomic thing seriously this time. i think you all will be pleased to know that my art has drastically improved since boobs ahoy! (somehow...without me actually drawing, at all...) but... i just don't know if i'm ready or not.
i've finished the storyboards for 7 pages, have pretty much 80% of the plot done (with tons of side adventures, stories, jokes, memories, dreams and what have you), i have all the main characters drawn out and analyzed, locations designed...
and i'm really itching to finally get on with it... but i just don't know if i'm ready.
boobs ahoy! was somewhat of a disappointment for me, i suppose. it was literally an experiment to become a better artist. lynn and i developed the idea a full year before i even started. we're both artists so we argued about who would draw it and finally... i just said "fuck it, let's get something online." she's taken it over now and is still updating, which is good.
but my new comic (title yet to be decided) is a lot more along the lines of what i like to read, personally. more of a shoujo-ai type thing. my favorite comics are always first love lesbian stuff. haha. comedy is nice, but it never holds my attention too long. a good plot is what makes me check back every week... comedy comics i check every once in a blue moon and read months of updates at a time.
today i blew a bunch of money on copic markers. then realized i have no idea how to use these things. you know they have tutorials on youtube though? very interesting. sheesh. now i'm wondering if i should have bought some of that super glossy "manga" paper. might be worth it... i'm just using this heavy printing paper atm. also wondering if i should start it in the correct dimensions for printing... just in case. although i think in that event, i would probably want to redo all of my early art anyways.
ahhhh i'm just way too excited about this comic. it's in my head when i go to sleep, when i wake up... almost as if the characters are real. i'm constantly thinking of new interactions and events... i feel like i might finally be ready to share this idea with the world... i just don't want it to be disappointing. :( i want my art to hold up to my story.
moving in 6 days. sometime after that when we get our internet hooked up and i hook up my scanner... i'll finally post some of it.
p.s. lia covered our coffee table in beer bottle caps tonight. i think altogether it was like 600 bottle caps. she did it with a hot glue gun. it's awesome. the majority of them are micros too. |
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| boobs ahoy lament... |
[Aug. 4th, 2009|04:51 am] |
it's been years since i've drawn anything. i've painted and whatnot... but really, i haven't drawn since boobs ahoy.
(for those of you who don't know, boobs ahoy was a year or two long webcomic between i and my friend lynn about lesbian pirates, duh)
so... i figure it's about time. i've been reading a lot of lesbian manga lately and it's got me itching to draw again.
i picked up a pad and paper and sketched out a few characters. hashed out an entire plot that was in my brain when i woke up this morning. i won't say much, but it involves soulmates and reincarnation and sex and witches and voodoo and all that girly shoujo ai stuff i love. oh, and comedy, of course.
i'm happy because my first few sketches sucked, but then... i somehow began drawing better than i ever did. weird, that.
i talked to my grandma today and she said it was good for me that i was drawing again. she's having hip surgery tomorrow and i'm so fucking worried. she called and i know it was just to tell me she loves me and all of that... "just in case" shit. but i can't really think of that right now or i'll start crying.
i just hope she'll be okay... i'm so sick of death and funerals and all that. it's completely selfish and i know that. i don't fear for her, death is really a truly wonderful thing... i just fear for me and the rest of the family. we would miss her, you know? i find it much easier to let go of someone who's state of life is so low that death is a blessing. but my grandma has always been a real tough lady. she's a farmer and has extensive knowledge about herbs and the outdoors and well...everything, really. she's your stereotypical 'tough as nails' 'i can do it myself' lady. in a nice way though. and anyways, the reason she fucked up her hip in the first place was trying to kill my grandpa in a drunken rage, haha. or so she says.
luckily though, it's not the time for that... her surgery should be over by 1pm and i expect a call from my mother telling me that everything is okay.
nam myoho renge kyo. nam myoho renge kyo. nam myoho renge kyo. |
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| lesbian anime |
[Aug. 1st, 2009|05:54 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
so i've mostly exhausted american lesbian movies/tv series and have resorted to anime.
watching strawberry panic right now. a girl transfers to another high school which is somehow run by this chick that is "the most beloved and respected" who keeps trying to make out with her in public. plus, she has a creepy roommate who keeps staring at her while she sleeps and telling her how adorable she is and insisting on dressing/undressing her. as far as i can tell, this is the boarding school of every lesbian's dreams.
"shizuma-sama, you need to control yourself."
"another lecture? she looks like such a cute flower. who wouldn't want to touch it?"
hahaha... this is some good shit.
edit:okay, so i've figured it out... her roommate is in love with her. the most popular girl in school is in love with her. and everyone else in school is a lesbian. this is the gayest thing i have ever seen. |
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| heavy thoughts tonight... |
[Jul. 27th, 2009|11:48 pm] |
i skipped out on going to the bar because my buddhist study has got my head in a serious spin. seriously, this stuff is better than drugs sometimes...
i'm very confused regarding the concept of no-self and no-soul. the buddha said there is not a soul, but yet, there is not no-soul. he said that either answer leads to more suffering, and buddhism is all about the cessation of suffering. but that doesn't mean that thousands of years later we wouldn't still be deliberating over what the hell he means, haha.
i became very troubled over this topic. but then i thought... is this any different than what i have always believed? in my next life, i will have no recollection of this one. i will no longer be who i have come to think is "me". however, my life will be shaped by my karma from this life. the ego does not carry over, but the karma does. is this what shakyamuni meant? i have always believed this, except it was under the blanket of "soul". it makes no sense that my karma would be given to a completely different individual that is not me, but in the same sense, it couldn't possibly be given to me either. because "i" do not exist.
what is also difficult is the emptiness of "i". "i, me, my" are all changing and not permanent. this sounds scary, but upon further thought, it is really common knowledge. this body we so dearly cherish, it is decaying and growing older as we speak. it has changed so many times within our life, why would we think it to stop now? even after death it will continue to change. eventually it will become the very basic units of life that created us in the first place.
i could be hit by a bus tomorrow and become a paraplegic in a coma and then where would "i" be? if i am braindead, where am "i"? "i" am dependent upon the functions of my brainwaves, my blood pumping, my lungs breathing... if these things stop, am "i" gone? or did "i" just never really exist? maybe all that "i" am is a combination of brainwaves and blood and oxygen. genetic dna and environmental influences.
by clinging to this "i, me, my" all i am really doing is creating a distinction between me and you. these distinctions so easily turn into ego and hate and war. but the reality is that we're really all just energy.
buddhism is about truth and you cannot prove that upon death "i" was ever here. |
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| you know what's bullshit? |
[Jun. 18th, 2009|05:26 am] |
this whole gay marriage thing. it's so much bullshit.
the more and more i think about it... the angrier i get.
when my gf and i have kids, i'm going to have to be like the godparent or something because i won't be able to actually adopt with her and in the event of a tragedy, i wouldn't want our kids to go into the system.
if my gf dies, i better hope that she willed everything important to me so that it doesn't just go to her "next of kin".
hello, benefits?
it's got me so bummed out it's totally ruining the excitement i should feel about lia proposing to me.
well, almost anyway. :)
i just feel bummed and like a second rate citizen. i'm excited about being engaged, but i'll never receive the respect that heterosexuals do. ever.
omg there is a huge spider over my head. fuck this entry. i'm out. |
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| the world is a vampire. |
[May. 27th, 2009|12:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ::yeah yeah yeahs:: | ] |
still alive... still kickin.
mostly drinking a lot. it's really hitting my wallet hard. it never seems like a big deal at the time though, haha. but that's alright. the red wings are hopefully going to make it to the stanley cup and that means money money money. it's just so hard not to drink when it's so fucking nice out lately and you work in a place that has an awesome patio.
gitima left for india a week ago or so. she really wants me to visit and i really really would love to. saving up though, that's the problem... i miss her :(
speaking of long trips, in a few weeks lia and i are taking a road trip to texas with my mother. haha. should be fun. 20 hours driving non-stop.
seeing as i've seen nearly every lesbian movie under the sun, but can never remember that i've seen them until 5 mins into it and i'm like, "..waaaaaiiit..." lia and i have decided to make a lesbian movie blog where we critique movies. yeah yeah, i know that there's already a few of those...but oh well. there's just so many god awful lesbian movies and it's hard to find a good site that actually does a decent job of saying "listen, this movie blows... she goes back to dick after a brief encounter with vagina." and that's what i'd like to do. haha. i'm sick of movies that say there's sexual tension when i can't simply find it for the life of me.
watched a really awesome lesbian movie the other day called Therese and Isabelle. made in 1968, we thought it would be tame... ooooh no. probably the dirtiest movie i've EVER seen. the film itself wasn't exactly so dirty, but the commentary on the sex scenes was hilarious/super smutty. but, like all lesbian movies from that time period, it doesn't end well. i really really wish i could read the novel, but apparently, it's only available in french. bummer. anyhoo, if you have a netflix account, it's worth an instant play.
i've also determined that i will get a tattoo on my back inspired by the scene in i'm a cyborg, but that's ok where park II draws a door on young goon's back trying to convince her he's putting a machine in her back to transform rice into electric energy. i have my reasons.
also worth mentioning, this birthday i almost exclusively received books. lia got me the i'm a cyborg, but that's ok dvd and my aunt bought me a bell for my altar, but other than that... i received a copy of the lotus sutra translation, a copy of the writings of nichiren daishonin, and commentary on ch. 2-10 of the lotus sutra. i'm excited because this means i no longer have to read this stuff online... good times.
oh, and about that prop 8 shit, wtf california? oh well. i am more than confident that some day we will get ours. it's the natural order of things. living in a college town you naturally see that the majority of educated people are more liberal and most no longer feel the need to restrict marriage for same sex couples. unfortunately, not everyone in america is educated, heh. and fyi, not that i think anyone on my flist would, but if you try pulling that, "oh it's a religious choice blah blah it's my right to hate you blah blah" bullshit, you can just kiss my ass because it stops being a "religious choice" when you start limiting my freedoms.
...whew.
oh well, hope everyone's doing alright. life is pretty great, you know? |
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| my life is amazing. and so is my girlfriend. |
[May. 4th, 2009|06:42 am] |
my boss is difficult and after getting reamed for something that had nothing to do with me (and everything to do with the fact that there is no communication between managers) i left work and cried for like 10 minutes before i could even start my car.
i went home in a rage and after chilling out and smoking a few cigarettes and discussing it all... somehow lia made me feel better about it all.
at the end of the night when i laid in bed, i almost wanted to cry, i felt so happy with my life. which is silly...i was dreading work and still had gotten yelled at that night... but regardless... i just feel so happy.
sometimes i just feel like the luckiest person in the world. which is silly, because i'm really not... but everything just feels so great. at work everyone tells me i shouldn't be so happy (because i'm pretty sure this is the worst job ever), but i can't help it. i have made incredible strives in my practice and i find it thrilling. don't get me wrong, i was ready to start a small fire or something after that argument with my boss... but with lia's help and reminding myself the philosophy of the ten worlds...eventually it just faded away. i do, however, wish that i held more normal hours so that i could chant more regularly. it'd be nice.
i'm looking forward to moving back to detroit. i hope to have a better space for my gohonzon because it's really irritating when i can't chant when i want to because lia is studying or sleeping or something. but at the same time, i wouldn't want it anywhere else but my room because then other people would disturb me. i don't think anyone is 100% happy with the situation in this house.
i stayed up all night reading buddhist scripture and debating buddhist theories. i'm tired. |
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| you were only waiting for this moment to arise. |
[Apr. 18th, 2009|09:19 pm] |
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| |  content | ] |
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| | somewhere over the rainbow::IZ | ] |
gitima is leaving for india in a few weeks and i'm kinda bummed. her mother has cancer so she's going to be there for her. i feel that things will be okay for her though.
on tuesday i'm meeting with gitima and a new member. she wants me to take her under my wing or something, so to speak. i tell this to lia and she goes, "uh, maybe you should start going to meetings then." haha.
tonight lia and i planned out all of our children's names and the places we will adopt them from. it's going to be sweet. we're going to have a little black boy named trenton michael and her mother will be so angry with me for making her daughter so liberal. silly republicans. then we're going to adopt a chinese girl named prudence lynn. we figure if we have a boy first, he can beat up any boys who try shit with her. it's our plan. i've never dated anyone who really made me think about having kids before... but with lia, all of these things seem like they could actually be possible.
oh, fyi, i finally saw across the universe. (that movie started the child naming game, btw) what an awesome movie. julie taymor is my #2 favorite director of all time. she's so phenomenal. lia and i now own 3/7 of the movies she's directed. quite by accident, actually. according to the guerrilla girls, only 3 women have ever been nominated for best director and none of them have ever won. not even sophia coppola. fucked up.
i was invited to my second threesome by a couple the other night. once again, they aren't even strangers. i swear, i'm getting a little sick of hearing how i should be bisexual... i hear that enough by douche nozzles at work as is.
i'm quite happy as of late, but no one else is, so i feel sort of annoying. i just feel so happy that i sometimes feel i might burst. tonight while i drove to gitima's apartment, there was a gentle rain and a cool breeze and then the disc jockey played "like a rolling stone" and i felt infinite. everyone kept complaining about what a crappy day it was, but i thought it was perfect.
my life isn't all that great so i don't see why i feel like it is. actually, everything is pretty much falling apart for everyone around me, but maybe that's why i feel it's important not to be another casualty. my sister is particularly in a rough spot. trying to figure out if she wants to leave chris and force her daughter to grow up without her father, or try and work it out. my heart really just goes out to her. i've just been searching for some sort of way to help her, but i know she can really only help herself. i'm still quite saddened by it all though. |
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| yay easter |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|06:24 pm] |
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| |  excellent | ] |
so lia finally met the whole family. it went pretty well, i must say. my japanese aunt who almost never drinks, got drunk and turned red. with each glass of wine she'd raise her glass and say "round five! ding!" hahaha. the rest of my family was, well... mostly drunk, like usual. we played games and my little cousins introduced me to left 4 dead on the xbox, which is awesome. road the golf carts around the back acres and climbed trees to smoke in them. it brought me back to my childhood, for sure.
and although all of my family introduces lia as, "chloe's friend lia" it went pretty well. i'm not sure if it's just because they don't want to explain it to the little kids or what, because i'm PRETTY sure most of my older cousins know all about it. i do love my family though. they were all very nice to her and gave her hugs.
my grandma's hip is getting much worse and i told her that she'll have to come to my mother's on my birthday so that i can give her a massage. it makes me sad to see her limping around when we were making such progress when i used to massage her semi-regularly. :(
it was kind of an important step and lia had a good time. she said she wants to spend some time this summer up at my grandma's house and that made me very happy. i'm extremely happy with our relationship and that almost makes me nervous. we're kind of settling into this normal routine and i don't know, i feel like things are good. they aren't fireworks and super exciting anymore, but at the same time...if i come home from work and have to wait an hour for her to get here, i still miss her like hell. every night i lay down next to her and the warmth of her body feels so inexplicably good next to me... that sensation where you just want to reach out and touch someone and hold them, for no real reason at all. it's been like that for what is now getting close to 2 years.
on the ride home we discussed our wedding plans. (mostly just because we're girls, not like we have a date set or anything) we have decided to go with a zombie theme and we are definitely walking down the aisle to thriller. it sounds like an idea we'll back out of, but no. we've had this set for a few months now, actually. we're both so obsessed with zombies, it's going to be awesome. at our reception we're going to have blood splattered table cloths and body parts all over. man, it's going to be so sweet. this is another reason why lia is my soulmate. |
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| vagina wig-0, chloe-1 |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|01:01 am] |
i ended up making it to chicago after all because another one of my managers cared so much that she harassed people until i got my shift covered. booyah.
chicago was fucking awesome. goose island=best beer tour ever.
the plan was that we would meet up at the brewery, drink some beer, do the tour then go to dinner... then have a drink afterwards. all of which was paid for.
what i didn't expect however, was that the guy giving us the tour was pretty much awesome and after all that was done, we went bar hopping and he spent over a hundred at nearly every bar. and there were quite a few... by the last place, i was so sloppy drunk i have no idea how we didn't get kicked out. i played two games of pool and didn't even sink one ball. ahhhhhh... oops.
the brewery itself was phenomenal also, though. matilda is now one of my new favorite beers. i think it rivals new holland's dragons milk for the #1 spot. also awesome, we were hanging out with the son of the guy who started goose island and he pulls out this bottle he had in his trunk. apparently, it was some beer they were working on which was... omg delicious. imagine a beer combined with champagne... er, imagine that idea tasting well, anyways. if it goes to production, i really really hope i can get it out here. i found matilda at big ten and was super excited. the bottle is just as good as the draft :)
not a whole lot else is new. i'm pretty happy lately. lia and i formulated a plan and i'm pretty optimistic. so stay tuned! work is... well, work. i can't complain too much, i guess. outside of my environment, everything's pretty great. i have a lot of faith in myself and a really positive personal image lately. that sounds weird to say, but when you've struggled with depression like i have...you notice things like that. lia and i are doing great and i'm super thankful for that. we've been together like a year and a half now, and things are just...really nice. i've finally found someone who just lets me be me, and that's worth so much. plus, she's like awesome and a great lay. so that helps.
hah, i'm so boring when i'm happy. lol. seriously though, lately i've just been drinking beer, playing video games, hanging out with lia, having drinks with work friends semi-frequently, watching food network with my roommate... and shit, i don't even know what else.
ironically, there's a lot of negative stuff going on right now, but i just can't seem to feel very upset. i don't know if it's apathy or just the fact that i'm really so damn happy with most of my life, it can't really get to me. either way... i just have nothing but good news, what can i say?
( stolen! sex survey. ) |
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| if you're gonna date a rockstar, you'd better get used to falling off the stage, bitch. |
[Feb. 9th, 2009|03:47 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | superstar::sonic youth | ] |
my boss is a vagina wig.
i won a tour of goose island brewery in chicago/free food/free drinks/free hotel by selling the most 312 (their urban wheat ale and arguably their biggest seller). so this is the week and what does she do? forgets to give me the days off and then tells me that it's MY fault because i didn't request off the days and tells me i have to get my shifts covered for thurs/fri if i want to go. what a douche. how can she not remember to give me the days off when it's work sponsored event and she gave everyone else the days off...?
oh well. i should probably take some sort of responsibility for this as it's my new thing that i'm not going to bitch about things that happen to me because there is probably some sort of underlying karma i created.
( as illustrated by this story about mice )
a few days ago i received 5 comment cards from guests in one day. i already get more comment cards than anyone else, but that was a record. my favorite comments?
chloe was unbelievably pleasant.
clone chloe
from people i had never waited on before (fyi, they were straight girls so it's not like they were hitting on me). hilarious. i'm awesome.
gitima and i have started having weekly meetings on sundays since i suck so much at making it to meetings. it's pretty much awesome and i always leave feeling refreshed with a new perspective on life and my problems. not only is she a buddhist, she's going to school for counseling and that pretty much makes her the best person ever to talk to.
she's such a nice person, i should do something for her. make her something.... maybe. today she was discussing how she has always tried so hard to curb her desire to be liked by everyone. she viewed it as seeking acceptance. but recently she realized that while some counselors she knows have a blunt way of speaking to clients, boasting by saying things like "i don't care if they like me or if they come back, but i'm going to tell it like it is", because she cares if people like her or not, she has a more gentle way of speaking to them. i pointed out that for anyone who really doesn't care what other people think of them, there is an inherent arrogance. if you truly respect others (and in buddhism, respect the buddha nature within others), then you will care what they think and respect what they have to say and what they think. obviously, there is a fine line, but that is exactly why we believe in "the middle way". that is, not too much, not too little.
we also discussed the concept of "changing poison into medicine". which basically means turning negative things that happen to us into positive experiences. like, "shitty things happen to me so that i can grow as a person." which sounds dumb, but actually works. there's a lot of things i try not to do to others because i was shit on in a similar way once upon a time. gitima says i should work on channeling my anger into something positive, because i'm going to get angry. it's a fact of life. but sometimes anger can be positive... like using it to catch rapists and fight the man(in a non-violent peaceful way, of course), for example.
i'm sure this isn't interesting for anyone but me, but i don't care. these are my records, bitches.
thought of the moment...
people always tell me i'm awesome and i'm always surprised at it. one waitress that i think is one of the coolest people ever told me that i'm her favorite person and she'll miss me the most when she quits. i always meet people and feel like, "man! i wish i could be more like them!", but i'm not... and people still like me somehow. and yet, i have no friends. probably because i'd rather sit at home listening to music and writing in my lj. hmmmm. |
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| someday you will ache like i ache. |
[Jan. 22nd, 2009|09:55 pm] |
i'm pretty sure i expect too much from everyone.
you know, like cleaning the blood splatter off the wall...
i don't even know what i was expecting from lia but i'm pretty sure it was too much because now i'm depressed and it's probably my fault.
buddha taught that one of the root causes of suffering is attachment. attachment can even refer to a relationship. you expect things not to change, you expect them to be stable, constant... you depend on it. and this life will never be this way. even happiness is fleeting. some days are better than others. some worse. you can't even be attached to happiness or you'll just feel the lack of it when it leaves.
i try so hard to be positive and i do a pretty good job of it. i got a 26 dollar tip on a 41 dollar bill today because...uhh i'm awesome and hilarious. but then i think of my life and how hard i struggle and how far i'm not getting and how much worse everything is becoming and it's just hard not to lose faith.
the other day i chanted before i went to work. i thought it might make my night go better. long story short, i ended up having to work a 14hr day because one girl quit and the other called in sick. i don't even know anymore... is it a sign of my negative karma or just that it doesn't work? i just don't know... maybe shit just happens. i have no idea.
what am i doing this for? there has to be some point... things have to get better... i try so hard... they just have to... don't they?
i think the real answer is that i have to find happiness in the most unfortunate situations because happiness isn't something caused by favorable conditions. the happiness i seek shouldn't be outside of myself. it should be within and it should be unshakable. if not, i'll just find something wrong with every situation (and i do)... the real issue is the unhappiness i have within me. knowing this doesn't really help much though.
it's like how the other night i watched the movie gandhi and i got all inspired to be a better person... then instantly became stumped because while gandhi was this awesome person who liberated india from foreign control through non-violence, i can't for the life of me figure out how to apply that to my situation. how would gandhi deal with having all of his roommates hate him? hmm...
i'm just tired and stressed and depressed and the light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting dimmer and dimmer and i'm beginning to lose hope.
i just want back into your head... |
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| cute girls watch when i eat ether |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|05:40 am] |
would it be too much to ask that maybe you consider the possibility that i have a lot going on in my life right now?
oh right, of course not. that would mean you'd actually have to stop thinking about yourself for a minute.
impossible. i don't give a fuck if you care or not, just leave me alone.
i have this problem right now. i'm really hungry, but too upset to eat. too nervous. too jagged. but if i don't...i'll get twitchy. it'll get hard to breathe. i'll start dropping things. i'll lose control. i think i shouldn't have slammed that red bull at work. i think i should have tried to take better care of myself. i think i should.
i am the girl, you know i lie, i lie and lie
i'm miss world, somebody kill me
kill me pills
no one cares, my friends
my friend...
i'm miss world, watch me break and watch me burn
no one is listening, my friend
now i've made my bed, i'll lie in it
i've made my bed, i'll die in it |
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