|huuuuuu. i'm such a child.
||[Mar. 5th, 2010|07:16 pm]
my stylish heart
i'm pretty happy with my retail job. really. they give me enough hours to pay my bills, i work super early shift so i have the rest of my day open, and i don't come home hating myself and my life so i can still get some art done. |
but then my friend tells me her bar is hiring.
intial reaction: I HATE WAITRESSING!
then she tells me she pulls in like a grand a week.
second reaction: well... that would be nice...
third reaction: I HATE WAITRESSING!
after much distress over the subject (i mean, i'm OKAY financially, so long as my car doesn't die or something... KNOCKONWOODKNOCKONWOOD and i do get insurance from my job, which is nice.) i determined i'd just better not. since i'm really trying to make my lesbionic comic booking dream come true, it seems awfully retroactive to get a job that i know would put me in a no-art slump.
i'm really lucky because my girlfriend's idea is that i stay home and be some sorta housewife with kids and get some comic booking done. i'm well aware, from trying to talk to my sister on the phone, how kids will inhibit my comicing for a certain time... but kids grow up.
this is all weird to me because i used to hate kids. i never thought i'd find this life appealing, but it somehow is with lia. plus, our kids will be awesome anyways. duh.
it's weird though... planning your future around depending on someone else. but i've never had much of a plan for myself. well, actually i've had tons of plans... just not a lot of follow throughs. sometimes i feel like this big loser for never going to college. but i've just never been able to settle down with something that i know won't make me happy. only art really does, unfortunately. shame i'm not better. but i mean, does everyone else just settle? if i wasn't interested in art, would other things seem more appealing?
i wish i was a normal person who just went to a university and got some degree in something and had a real job. -_- instead, i've always had this notion that i should do what makes me happy in life no matter how lucrative it is. and you know, real life kinda doesn't work that way... you can say, 'money doesn't matter to me!' but you know, paying your bills on time is kinda sweet. i don't know why i feel that i am exempt from this "life is hard, life is work" idea and i feel like a huge asshole for being me sometimes. i feel ashamed for being so selfish. i feel like i'm taking advantage of lia. what if she doesn't even really mean it? what if she just says that to make me happy but deep down inside she's like, "god, i'm dating a loser..." everyone wants to have a successful partner, what if i'm just an embarrassment? lia's unrealistic dream was always to be a rockstar. she gave up on that though. most people do.
maybe i just never got the memo...