|tonight, i remembered my purpose.
||[Apr. 13th, 2010|05:47 am]
my stylish heart
i think it's very silly, but i just watched a fantastic romance movie i had never seen before. it made me think of the past and present, and all of those things in between.
but most of all, it reminded me why i'm doing what i'm doing.
i wonder how it is for everyone else. we are all only privy to what happens within our own skin. but for me, my only purpose has ever been love. no other feeling compares.
as far as i can remember, the only thing i ever prayed to god for was to send me someone to love me. as a child, i did imagine it would be a man. i wondered about my future, but the one thing i longed for was that undying passionate love.
as i grew older, i felt disappointment after disappointment. i had so many boyfriends, but none of them ever interested me in the least. i felt i could change them like i changed my shoes. i think we all know that at some point i started to realize i had feelings for women. and so emily came along. even now, to think back, brings a smile to my face. i was so young and so stupid. like the small child who loves their canary too much, i held on until i squeezed the last breath out of her. i was afraid if she left, i might never feel this way again. at the time, i thought what we had found could only ever exist between us. but she had different plans in mind for herself. what i didn't know then was that it really was all for the best. she now has two small beautiful children and i can honestly say, i couldn't be happier for her. you see, that was all she ever hoped for in life.
by the time i met laura, i had come to terms with my lesbianism. i dated quite a bit, but had never found something worth sticking around for. thinking of our relationship, i can only picture sisyphus. whatever progress i thought i made, it would only slide back down in my face the next day. the fight kept me engaged, but eventually the wheels just stop turning. they ground down to a screeching halt and it was all over before i knew it.
in lia, i have found the answer to my prayers. i think, i don't believe in love at first sight, but had you asked me the first night i met her and i might have told you differently. we both said we enjoyed eachother's company too much to try and sully it with a relationship. but i've never met someone before where the more you get to know them, the more you like them. for months i felt this way. i couldn't believe such a cool interesting person could exist. the tension could only last so long before, with one simple gesture, the facade fell away. it didn't matter to me that my friends were still in the car, lol, or even when we had arrived at my apartment. it was as if all that existed in the world was me and her. i had never felt that way before, such an uncontrollable longing. my friends still tease me about it, but i don't regret it. i still think she's the coolest person i've ever met.
i think that everyone gets one great love in their life. and for me, i know this is it. if things were to not work out between us, i wouldn't pursue this again. love can be wonderful and horrible at the same time. our experience has truly fulfilled my wish for my life. i feel as though she is my muse. it's proof to me that all of my silly fantasies aren't actually silly at all, these things truly do happen. romance movies, novels, comics...they can all seem quite stupid, really. but the inspiration is very real.
love is the most beautiful emotion in the world. my hope is that someday i can accurately capture that in comic form. i won't stop working until i accomplish that goal.
it's odd, but i do wonder if it's the same for straight people. i have never been able to feel this way about a man. i imagine it's the same, but the notion just seems so funny to me. i have to laugh when guys tell me it's impossible for me to know i'm gay because i've never been with a man. sex is just one of the things on a long list of what i adore about women. i would never give those things up. but on the topic of sex, i hope i'm a lesbian in my next life too because sex is just so damn fun! actually, i hope everyone gets a chance to become a lesbian in their next life so they'll know what they're missing out on. it isn't a wonder to me why every bi girl i've ever asked says they prefer sex with women. even lady gaga fantasizes about women while she has sex with boys, haha. although, it's not surprising to me that they always end up with men either haha. but that is another topic altogether.
i'm, not surprisingly, a little drunk at the moment... but the entire point of this entry was just... an ode to love. had i been born in another place or time, it's possible i may have never experienced what i have. i feel very fortunate. it's so sad to me that many people never find this, not even once, in their lives. if i had one wish, it would be that everyone could have one great love. gay, straight, trans, whatever.